“Put that bloody thing ON!” (Horrible things that nobody tells you about boat life part 1)

I’m writing this post from the toilet. Let’s start there. Because my day usually starts there. And just like you, I sometimes take my phone into the toilet.

Yup, this is about our real everyday life aboard Zouterik. And I promised you earlier I’d give it to you straight and honest, so I’m not going to leave anything out. Are you ready?

So, I’m sitting on the toilet and the kettle is on the stove. It’s 5.30 in the morning. Yes, that early.

It gets dark here around 6 and the sun rises around 5.30, so we live with that rhythm. And Berbers school starts at 7.30 so we have to leave the boat at 7. And I have to make a healthy breakfast which involves preparing a smoothie for the whole family, oats with banana’s for Linde, cornflakes for Berber and homemade yoghurt with muesli for Tjaart and of course a mug of hot tea for everyone. And I have to prepare Berbers lunch break. And….

You get the idea.

So mum rises early, puts the kettle on and visits the toilet…

Right, so I’m sitting there.

‘‘Pfiiiieeeeiii’’, the kettle whistles annoyingly and wakes everybody in the boat. And our neighbours in the marina too for that matter. So I wipe my behind, sprint out the door, accidentally slamming it too hard and turn off the gas.

In the meantime Linde and Berber show their sleepy grumpy faces and Tjaart moans from the bed, putting his pillow on his head in a futile attempt to sleep for another half hour.

Right. The day has started and I think to myself: “Tomorrow I’ll leave the cap off the kettle.”

From below, Berber offers me her tiny sleepy face to give me a morning kiss. “Ieieieueuieueieuwwww mummy, you stink!!” she shouts at me unforgivingly while she sneezes in my face. Off she runs to the toilet, leaving the door open. And while she’s letting go of her bodily fluids, she fills the boat with her not-so-lovely bodily scents.

Then Linde squeezes behind me. Also to visit the toilet. She hasn’t even shut the door yet before she yells: “Ieieieueuieueieuwwww, which one of you filthy people didn’t flush the toilet?!” “Sorry Lin,” Berber says with a guilty sound in her voice. Although totally unnecessary because flushing our handpump toilet is too heavy for a 5-year old. And Linde knows it too. “At least put the lid on when you’re done!” Linde snaps at her sister in vain.

Last but not least Tjaart stumbles out the aft cabin. Stretching his early morning body, yawning loud, while farting. Stark naked. “Ieieieueuieueieuwwww,” Berber yells, “Daddy I see your thingy.” “Pleaeaeaeaeaese Tjaart, put on some boxers”, Linde rolls her eyes and looks away. “And while you’re at it, put some deodorant on because you stink like an animal!!”

Luckily a fresh cup of tea soothes everybody’s nerves, so I put the kettle on again for a second cup. Leaving the cap OFF the kettle this time to avoid the earlier scene. In the meantime I dress myself to get ready for taking Berber to school. “Aaaaaaaaaah”, I hear Linde yelling from the kitchen. “Mum, please put the bloody cap ON the kettle before we run out of gas!!”

I sigh….. and rest my case. This is everyday boat life. We’re just gonna have to live with it.